i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
