I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
