can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
