I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
