Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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