Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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