Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
