well you can't waste a boner
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Come on in and take your pants off
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