I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
