i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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