This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
