I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
