I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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