I wish I could punch you in the face.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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