So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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