My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
