I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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