Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
