I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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