we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
