there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize