so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
