Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You're a waste of cheezeits
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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