i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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