I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
