I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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