Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
