and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
