Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
