I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm both gender and math confused
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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