video games are the ultimate cock blocker
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I want a musical about memes.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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