I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
