I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
