you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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