I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
