Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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