I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
