Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
