My sheets look like a crime scene.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
