i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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