whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
