I wish I could teleport
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
