Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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