so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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