At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
