i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
