I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
