im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
