New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Everyone says I win the strip club
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
