Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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