thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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