Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
