my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
did you just send me my own nude
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
