Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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