I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize