That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
