i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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